A few days after we buried our mother, someone said to my brother, “Now move on!”. Honestly, I thought it was a most callous of statements; no matter how well-meaning it was. Our mum hadn’t been gone 3 weeks and he was being told to move on as if he had simply lost a piece of jewelry!
To my mind, “Moving on!” in such a context signifies ignoring how one is feeling about a situation and trying to soldier on with life. The problem with unaddressed pain is that they remain exactly that – unaddressed! You carry it around like a heavy rucksack on your back. The untreated wounds weigh you down and tire you out. Despite what you may think, it impedes your ability to live life and enjoy it to the fullest.
Instead, what I think is much healthier is choosing to MOVE FORWARD; when you have summoned the emotional courage and strength to do so. It is recognizing that though your world as you knew it has stopped, life itself does and must go on. The only question is whether life proceeds towards getting to a healthy, happy place or remaining continually weighed down by past pain.
Moving forward requires you to initially take some time to unpack some of the painful emotions to lighten the backpack you have to carry (for a period). And then, as you proceed with life, being sensitive to when your soul is telling you to unpack more of the emotions you have been carrying because they no longer serve you. This will require intentionally stopping from time to time to listen to the nudging of your heart to unpack some of the emotional load in your backpack. Eventually, at some point, your backpack will be empty and you can cast it away, free to do life unhindered by those painful emotions.
Moving forward is about making a deliberate decision to let go of your world as it was, whilst choosing to hold on to its fond and pleasant memories. It’s about learning to accept and navigate the world as it now is, even when you can’t readily embrace it.
It takes time. It takes intentionality. But, it is so worth it!
So, today, 8 weeks after my mum passed away, I made a decision to move forward. Thankfully, the pain isn’t as raw as it was in the early days but there is, understandably, still a lingering sadness which currently feels like it will never lift. I choose to believe, however, that as I continue to attend to and unpack the deep emotions associated with grief with the Lord (who, by the way, I am currently not very happy with, but that’s another post! 😅), like sand in a bucket with a hole, this sadness will eventually dissipate.
As a big step towards moving forward, I summoned up the courage to finish unpacking the suitcase I had used to travel for my mother’s funeral. It had been lingering in one corner of our bedroom for over a month. I am not good at unpacking at the best of times but on this occasion, I knew there was more to it. Not least, the suitcase had some of her things in it, coupled with many memories. Unpacking those things signified an end to an era of my life and, unsurprisingly, it was not something I was easily able or willing to do. But, there comes a time when move forward, we must!
Was it easy? Nope! Was it as bad as I feared? Nope! Was it necessary? Absolutely!
It’s all about timing and seasons and recognizing what is good and healthy to do at any one time.
A few minutes after I finished unpacking the following words dropped in my heart, “You’re going to be fine.” Much-needed assurance! Something tells me that I may just have taken my first step on my healing journey.
Reflections
- What past painful experiences have I tried to move on from prematurely?
- In what ways is it affecting me today?
- Who do I need to forgive to properly move forward and why?
- What past painful experiences should I commence my journey forward from?
- Who do I need to forgive to commence my healing journey and why?
- Forgive and let go of the past hurts.
- Choose to embrace the healing that is available to you.
PS: If you are specifically dealing with unaddressed grief, I encourage you to read my blog post, Dear Osaze, which should hopefully help you along in your process.
